I don't have a title for this blog post because I can't seem to find one that fits it. The naked truth? Making myself really vulnerable and revealing what life is really like in the NOW. In this moment.
Life....is hard. I know that...always have. Never has life been a breeze for me and I'm sure a lot of you. I grew up in a nasty divorce. Watched my parents throw hate comments at each other, watched them re-marry and watched them both get to really really low points in their life. Split families are not God's plan and I will firmly attest to the destruction and consequences it has.
Back to the point! Life is hard. I have four boys age 7 and under and this year...ha crazy me! I decided to homeschool. Last night Brian came home and told me that two women approached him at Awana and "talked" me up. Well that tells me I'm not being honest enough (ha!).
A couple of weeks ago I can honestly say that I felt like I was drowning. Hurry hurry hurry...go go go....do do do....meet everyone's expectations. My kids, my husband and my business. I cannot do it. Ok I know what some of you are thinking..."it's okay God has this planned....it's okay God won't give you more than you can handle"... but really? I know those words are very often used for comfort and I will never look down on anyone who uses them. Because in their heart...they don't know why life is hard...the don't understand it and they have no words except for these.
But I don't necessarily accept those. I do believe God gives us more than we can handle so that HE can handle. If God only gave us what WE could handle wouldn't we less and less rely on HIM to handle? Today we so often take the focus off of OuR GREAT GOD and put it on humans....broken vessels...and weak. What about God has this planned? No...I do not believe so. God's plan was perfect and we screwed it up. I watched this week as my family who I love watched their dad, grandpa and friend died. That was not God's plan. His plan included no death. God does not find it easy (in my opinion) to watch his children fall to their knees...get to low places in life that border depression or an emotional downfall. But he rejoices when we get there and cry for his name to help us get back up.
The time is nearing....the time (read about my journey of photography ending) i've been dreading but have been given an incredible peace about. And although I will miss it incredibly nothing will replace the time I lost with my family because of photography. Birthdays, holidays, events, night time suppers, bedtime, family walks and family vacations. Nothing is worth missing this. I want to be there and I want to remember my kids and I want my kids to remember me. I want to walk through everyday as though my feet are kissing the earth . Everyday a day to slow down and get rid of the hurry that really hurts and just focus on God's grace and his blessings.
Niki and I have talked a lot about how it's not true "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I think you're totally right, that we have to learn to rely on God, and often times we're given more than we can handle to get to that point. I think most people are referring to 1 Cor. 10:13 about how God won't give you more than you can handle. But that verse is referring to temptation, not life circumstances.
ReplyDeleteAnyway! All that's to say, I think you're an amazing woman of God, and I hope you continue to draw close to God when you're feeling overwhelmed!
Stinken Sade beat me to it!! I agree with everything you said and also what Sade said you are an amazing woman!!
Delete