Adoption

God is always Faithfully good and we are always Wildly LOVED

Everyday there is more checking off of the list, more learning to be patient, more learning to honor and follow my husbands lead.  

I have this aching desire to be light to children without.  If I had it my way we would buy a huge farm house and fill it with children who do not have parents.  But His ways are not my ways.

Don't get me wrong.  I am incredibly blessed with four wonderful boys that God has entrusted us to raise into Godly men...through His strength and His ways.  But God has given me this aching desire for a little girl.  When did it start? I can imagine the moment I started even thinking about my future with kids.  I remember laying in the hospital after our fourth boy and there was a commercial on (which was odd to me that there was a commercial like this) that talked about the bonds of a father and a daughter.  I cried...not because I was not grateful for the little boy laying sound asleep in my arms but because of the thought that God might not answer that specific prayer in my life.  He might not fulfill that specific desire in my heart. 

My husband says we need to finish the basement, pave the driveway, clean up the yard before we can put a for sale sign in front of our house and look for that dream farm house.  You know the one I've found 100+ times.  

I pray for God's guidance but feel so still.  Will we ever get to move forward? 

Contentment.

I have this friend who struggled with infertility.  Went through IVU twice because the first time failed.  Now has gorgeous twins but is facing the horrific reality of infertility again as her seizures won't cease.  I have this friend who would love to fill her house with babies but has terribly pregnancies and ends up on bed rest every time.  What about the friend whose body rejects pregnancy and she has gone on with 7 miscarriages.  And when her body accepts pregnancy? She ends up in the hospital weekly, multiple surgeries and bed rest. 

Perspective.

I am not ungrateful for the children God has blessed me with and if it is His will that I find my "daughter fix" in my future daughters in laws then I will do so.  But that aching desire is still there.  Did He not give it to me? That desire to bond with a girl.  To do things together with her.  To teach how to be a Godly wife, how to serve her husband and her children? There is a great desire to watch my husband have a little girl wrapped around his finger.  I feel his parenting style would be very different with her.  I desire for pink dresses, bows and bedding, teddy bears and barbie dolls and wanting to be just like mommy.  I desire to watch my husband get dressed up and me dress up a girl and have them go to daddy daughter dances together or go out on dates so she can see how a man should treat a girl.  I desire to watch my husband give her away to a man God has picked out for her.  And I desire to be an "all-in" mom as she delivers her first child.  See, a daughter admires her mom...eventually understands what she went through and the emotions involved in it.  A mom is always the first person she calls when her child is sick or has a weird rash or is hurt.  I have an aching desire for that.  My fear? What if God doesn't answer that desire in my heart? 

"Even if He doesn't do what we beg...we are still His beloved.

Even if He doesn't, He still is

Even if He doesn't do what we will, His will is still right and His heart is still good and the people of God will not waver.

Even if He doesn't - He does give enough - Himself

Even if He doesn't - He does still love us."

Truth. Trust. Faith.

"Faith is the unwavering trust in the heart of God in the hurt of here.  Unwavering trust all the time though I don't understand all the time".