5 years.....

I distinctly remember the day I grabbed for the broccoli, having a strong urge to add it to the macaroni and cheese I just made for the two crazy kids begging for food.  William was 1 1/2 and Zakary was about 6 months...a sudden pit formed in my stomach as it hit me.  I couldn't get to the store fast enough only to get back home before nap time.  I got the kids down for a nap and ran to the bathroom...three minutes later, heart racing, nerves going crazy...the lines proved my fears...I was pregnant.  

I remember calling Brian in tears, actually sobbing at the news.  He had thought something terrible had happened because he couldn't understand me...he came rushing home. 

I just had a baby, I just got out of my maternity clothes, I was still nursing...from the beginning it was bad.  The pregnancy was horrible.  I couldn't exercise because every time I did I put myself in premature labor.  My body hadn't had time to strengthen before I got pregnant again making this pregnancy a little more sensitive than most.  

It's hard to believe I made it through.  I never thought I would honestly.  I thought that having two kids 18 months apart and then to have two 14 months apart would put an end to me...well it didn't.  We made it...

I know that it was a hard realization for me at the time but I have a little bit of guilt when I remember how I reacted to being pregnant with Matt.  How could I be upset about this....

This child...who was difficult from the beginning has brought an incredible amount joy to our lives.  He has been independent from the beginning.  He loved being left alone to just watch his brothers.  He would sit by the lake up at the cottage on a blanket and be perfectly content watching his brother...more like learning. He got this blankie from Grandma Maksymowski and still chews it to pieces...I can't get it away from him....

The minute he started on the move he was climbing up everything.  He was barely walking for a few months when he decided to climb up the bar stool chairs, onto the raised counter top, into the sink, turned the sink on and used the sink hose to spray down the entire kitchen...all while I was doing the laundry.  

When he was a toddler we moved him to a toddler bed because he would try and climb out of the crib.  He decided that when we put him to bed he would empty his toy box, all his dresser drawers, take all of his bedding off his bed, flip his mattress and move his bed away from the wall...then he would fall sound asleep wherever his exhausted body fell.  The morning he woke up with a huge bump on his head we decided to move him to a twin sized bed...oh! Matthew...

He is a crazy kid! He loves cars!  He collects things.  He loves to play with Legos, Ninja Turtles, puzzles and he LOVES playing chef.  He loves helping me cook and he loves pretending to cook.  I often go to him when my utensils are missing because he needed them to make something.  

He is completely awkward with affection.  Whenever I kiss him he wipes it off and continues to do so to make sure he really got it off.  He struggles with you when you want a hug...barely giving you one at all.  The only time he shows affection is when he needs you...when he's hurt or his feelings are hurt or when he is scared. 

I know he loves me though because every night...he loves it when i carry him to bed, sing I'll love you forever to him, whenever he bakes something on his own (with pretend food) he brings it to me with the biggest smile.  Still (yes lets hear it that I am a horrible mom) he climbs in early in the morning to bed and snuggles with me.  

Although he loves to cook and would rather stay inside with mom while the boys go sledding he is all boy.  He loves to take his shirt off and challenge his brothers or dad to a wrestling match.  He loves watching his dad try and hunt down squirrels eating the bird food.  He loves dressing up and fighting and he loves climbing, running and jumping...especially on the bed....

He is barely growing...he is probably one of the smallest five year olds I know but he has one of the biggest hearts.

Matthew...I want you to know that although you seem like one of the most difficult kids...you are a true and absolute joy.  I want you to know that I love your laugh...I love the way you express yourself whether it be through the cutest phrases "so happy" to your weird and awkward noises.  I love the way you set up your cars, color, want to do whatever it is mom is doing.  I love watching you care for your brothers even when you don't want to.  I love watching you love your Auntie Shelby...she needs you and I know someday you are going to need her just as much.  Although I wish you would stop chewing on your blanket...I love it.  Although I wish I could sleep all night and all morning without feet poking into my side...I love those little snuggles I get.  I love that you need me.  That you trust me to protect you and help you.  You.are.a.good.kid.  You are a great kid.  

I know being the middle child is not fun...but we will promise to watch over you.  We promise to raise you strong and we will pray and commit to praying that you will be a mighty warrior for the Kingdom of God.  You are a blessing...and although, when I found out God was already knitting you together inside my womb, I didn't show it...you have shown us that you truly are a blessing in our lives...we can't imagine our lives with out you sweet child. We love you..

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY MATTHEW KURT BERENBROCK