This years home school experience has been interesting to say the least.  I was offered so much encouragement and so much support even to the point of multiple women lending me their curriculum (which I am incredibly grateful for).  

Let me re-cap why we (yes my husband and I) decided to home school.

Our oldest was tired.  He was not getting enough sleep and left the house crying and came home crying because he was tired. 

Being gone all day at school and listening to his teacher the last thing he wanted to do was come home and listen to me.  Our relationship was not good.  My second oldest screamed for four months straight, would break out of the classroom and run screaming to me not to leave him.  This is where "debates" could come it because I had a lot of moms tell me to just force my child in his classroom but my opinion is completely opposite of that.  My third child is more shy than my second so I knew his experience wouldn't go well either.  Now...number four I'm pretty sure would walk right in and say "bye mom" but we're not going to test it. 

So beginning to home school and had some rough starts.  I have in my head that schooling at home needs to look like that in the classroom but really? I have a 7 year old, a 6 year old, a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  It's a good day if I get the older two to sit for 20 minutes to do some "work".  So that has been the hardest thing....learning to step away from the standards of the public school....or any school.  This, what we do in our home, is not "school".  I have decided that I want my kids inspired...I want them to learn what they want to learn and how they want to learn.  I have read some really encouraging articles that have told me to ditch the curriculum.  I'm not sure if I can FULLY do that but I am working my way towards it a little.  Finding what interests my kids have and finding curriculum around that.  William hates writing and spelling and math but loves science.  So finding curriculum that is hands on science for him. 

I came across this article and I couldn't agree more with it.  I'm unorganized, I don't have it all together,  I don't have a degree in teaching and i might fail.....but I hope and pray that these four boys of mine have solid characters.  That they are confident of who Christ made them to be.  That they love the Lord their God with all their heart.  That they stand firm in their faith and they are inspired to learn...not required.

Here is the article....enjoy!

TGIF from our family to yours.  We are learning at the museum today...Dinosaur exhibit!

Sunday after church we are making a daring drive up north to visit with the in-laws.  The wind is blowing and there are drifts, ice and white outs.  There is Jesus music playing the background and I look at my husband ... desperate to fill that last available seat in our car.  I ask, "what do you think about starting adoption papers...soon...like now?" ... He keeps his eyes on the road, knowing them by heart, embraces a smile that curves to the right side of his mouth and says, "yes.  I think it's time".   I can't stop smiling.  I am almost crying and so filled with Joy! I am thankful for him. 

Re-wind four years.  We are newlyweds in the honeymoon stage and oblivious to the world around us and I mention to my new husband that I have always had a heart for adoption.  Since I started thinking about my future kids...I always had a heart for it.  He responds, "I don't think I care to do that".  I was crushed. But I knew it was early and so I put it off.  We have a child of our own.  We have another and I bring it up again and still there is no desire in his heart....so I begin to pray.   I begin to pray that if this is not God's will then please take the desire away from me and if it is then please work in my husbands heart.  Another child comes and he mentions his fear of adopting.  "What if we have a mix of children?", he asks me questions like this.   "If we have boys and girls of our own I'm not sure I would love an adopted child the same way"...that is his fear.  Three boys in our house and we are pregnant yet again...four boys.  God is good all the time.  

Let me tell you this.  People are so opinionated and they feel that because they've been there they know what is best and they know what is best for you...or dare I say it...they seem to know God's will for you. We have gotten things from both sides.  "Be careful when you adopt...there is emotional baggage involved", "You cannot be specific on things in adoption if it's truly from God...he will give you what is needed", "If you adopt through God's will he is going to give you a black boy because that is the most unwanted of children". Talk about guilt in every direction.   So I started opening my heart to the fact that maybe...just maybe there will be no girl in this house.  How selfish of me right? How selfish of me to want to adopt a baby girl.  

No.....no....I am thankful for my husband and that He fears God and loves HIm.  Ultimately I believe God is going to speak through Brian through this whole adoption process but, God has given me a peace in my heart that He provided us with four boys so that we can adopt that girl.  That we can give a girl a loving home where she will grow up with a dad who is head over heals for her and four brother willing to lay down their lives for her.  I have no serious convictions about what gender or what country to adopt from.  You see, people who are telling me what God's will is for my life are those who are striving to save the world.  I cannot do that.  Jesus already has.  I hate that there are dying children, dying mothers, I hate that there are neglected children and children being abused.  I hate that.  But I cannot save them all.  

I do have a heart for foster care.  But not now.  God has not shown us that it's the time in our lives for that.  Not with four little kids and hopefully soon to be five.   

So we are asking that you be prayerful with us? Allow the process to be smooth and clear...not necessarily easy...but obvious when and where to act.  That God speaks clearly to Brian and honestly that we handle people well.  Because like I said, people are opinionated and sometimes...well I just don't handle them all that well.  Thank you!

Over a year ago I was emailing my brother back and forth and we were talking about prayer requests.  I told him this, "I don't know what is going on but I feel like God is doing something big in my heart and I don't know what and I'm kind of scared to find out".  He prayed for me. 

Interestingly enough, not long after (few months maybe) my brother says something to me about pre-destination that I didn't agree with and was offended by.  The thoughts of "this isn't the God I've known my whole life" literally went through my head.  I was confused...emailing and talking to people who were firm in the Bible.  They basically threw scripture at me and wanted or encouraged me to figure it out on my own (which I wouldn't have it any other way).   This was a long road of mixed emotions, crying, reading and praying.  

I am no theologian and I know there can be a million different angles to one topic in the Bible but I ended on this verse and again it came to me last night during a bible study.

2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

This is in the Word of God so I know it's true, but there are also verses talking about pre-destination and the fact that there will be some that absolutely do not accept God.  There will be many that claim to accept Him but never really do.  This was it.  This is what God was working out in me.  My faith. What I believe and if I truly believe it.  I call it my "baptist box".  God has been pulling me out of it and helping me truly unveil what faith is...not what I have to do.  

It hasn't been fun though.  Because really digging into the Word and changing your heart and your life makes you a minority.  You get scoffed at.  I was getting angry at myself for not understanding the "progessive" ways.  I was wondering if I was wrong.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit and the stirring inside me that nudged me to continue to walk in sync with the Word.  My bible study last night encouraged me to prepare myself to be scoffed at.  For even other believers to think of me as uneducated and unsophisticated .  To laugh at me to think that God's Word actually applies to my life today.  But here is the key.  God has NEVER been proven wrong.  He has NEVER failed on a promise so I can rest assured that although I may be scoffed at, laughed at, ridiculed and called names...I need not worry about being wrong, or caving because God will prove it once again...sooner or later...I must press on to have that present-active-participle faith like Noah, Abraham, Enoch, Abel, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David and Samuel.  I need not put it off until tomorrow...

I remember being in the Jr. High building U one Sunday and we were asked to go around and say one thing we want to be better at for the upcoming year.  The leader in the class was younger than I and bless his heart but he had no idea what it meant when I said to be a "prayer warrior"...maybe that is an old Baptist term.  Wherever it stems from for you...it's not a bad goal.  To be so focused on prayer.......

Years later and I am still striving and honestly still failing.  Yesterday I open my emails and there are prayer requests.  There have been.  Marriages falling apart, pregnancies failing, families being torn in two....and I believe God gives you rest in your own life to take on others.  Is that a poor statement?  God giving me rest from drama and hurt in my own life so that I can focus on someone elses. 

God always amazes me.  Are there times when I feel neutral? yes.  I think everyone goes through that...but when I pray God always continues to show Himself faithful. I sit here thinking about all that needs to be lifted up to God and it comes to me....I prayed.  I prayed that God would show me where His heart is breaking.  I prayed, "break my heart for what breaks yours".  Slowly and surely prayer requests come rolling in.

I am drinking coffee with my sister ... this wonderful woman of God who honestly just flourished and took off.  If I can be truthful there were times in our life when I thought, "really, who is the big sister here"...I don't have that anymore.  

We are drinking coffee and I grab a marker and rip up some computer paper into little squares, grab the tape and start writing, "pray for the x family at 2:30" and I stick that on the clock I look at all day.  "Pray for the x family with the loss of their twins", "Pray for x and her pregnancy"... I start to tape these in my kitchen (where my life literally takes place) and tell my sister... "I don't know why people ask me to pray...I suck at it.  It's not like I don't pray but I honestly suck at finding the time to sit in a quiet place and pray.  And then when I do I forget what I need to pray about".  

I think more about this throughout the day and feelings of being overwhelmed as I look at the clock at 2:48 and realize I forgot to pray for the x family because I put the note on the clock inside for 2:30 when I needed to be at my brothers school at 2:30...  When I say I want to be a prayer warrior...I am looking to some great examples and I realized last night I need to be patient because these are my examples....and I am sure they didn't get there at my age or overnight....

This is my Great Grandma Weeber.  I wish I remembered more about her because she was a beautiful woman of God but I don't.  However what I remember about her is probably the most important....every time I went to see her she sat in a chair with her bible right open. She had beautiful hands.  For a woman in her 90's she had beautiful hands.  I remember a time going to visit her and peeking through her door.  I snapped a mental picture...there she was sitting in her chair, bible open and praying.  She was a true prayer warrior.  An amazing model set for her family.  

Then there is her daughter...my grandma.  I know she is like her.  I know she prays earnestly for her family and depends on God's faithfulness to bring them all back to him. Another great example.

I sit at my computer last night and this pops up...a message from my sister.

"Hey. So as I was doing my study tonight and reading our conversation from earlier came to mind. God knows you better than you know you. I think all these people that come to you with prayer requests 1). Trust you with their struggles and hardships. 2). Do so because God led them to you. And I think He is leading them to you because he wants you to be a prayer warrior. He sees that in you and He is going to keep giving you those chances to do His will. Does this make sense? I can't imagine it being easy especially if you feel like its an area that is hard for you but be excited about it. It looks like He is pretty excited about it just by looking at your prayer notes earlier."

She how she uses that phrase? It's in our family...prayer warrior.  Because of the faithfulness of my Great Grandma and the faithfulness of my grandma...God is being faithful to them.  These are my sisters and right now...there's three of us that are women of God and I pray earnestly that we set an example for that red head right there.  I pray that we are a model for her that she can't deny...that we love the Lord so much and it shines through us so much that she wants to chase nothing else. 

 I stand amazed at God...all the time.  Because these are my thoughts last night...and this is my devotional this morning.

"It's all right to be human.  When you mind wanders while you are praying, don't be surprised or upset.  Simply return your attention to Me.  Share a secret smile with Me, knowing that I understand.  Rejoice in My Love for you, which has no limits or conditions.  Whisper My Name in loving contentment, assured that I will never leave you or forsake you.  Intersperse these peaceful interludes abundantly throughout your day.  This practice will enable you to attain a quiet and gentle spirit, which is pleasing to Me.  As you live in close contact with Me, the Light of My Presence filters through you to bless others.  Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of Knowledge of My Glory shines forth.  My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness."

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

2 Corinthians 12:9

God is faithful, God is good all the time!

thanksgiving.joy.counting gifts.opening hands in the tough.surrender

....one of those days....when you think, literally think, "who would want me?" 

It started off just fine.  I woke with the children, tired, but awake.  We do our morning routine and then I jump in the shower.  Benjamen makes me laugh crazy running in while I'm showering shouting "nana" ...I peak out to realize that means "naked".  He loves being naked and although it drives me crazy...he has the cutest little butt.  He is so happy naked and cries when he has to get dressed.  He's so cold...but doesn't care...he's happy.  Yes. He makes me laugh crazy...because he's funny but he drives me crazy!

I had already gotten every cookbook out in the house and planned weeks worth of meals, had my list ready and felt accomplished already.  We head to the first store.  The kids are a little restless and running away but manageable...or is it because my patience level hasn't really been tested? hmmmmm. 

We make it out of there and then we go to the Amish store.  Now I am convinced that my kids know the Amish moms are observing my every move and so they decide to act out the most at this store...no joke...every time. We buy our goods and a bag of fresh baked cookies and book it out.  

We start our drive towards the next store, knowing it's going to be a while, I pop in a movie.  Make it out of there barely...Ben cried the entire time.  Our last stop and I tell the kids, "this is quick...we don't need much here so if we behave and listen we can get out of here fast..." ... Matthew cries through the whole store.  I am dripping sweat and there...right then is when Satan knows me best....I am weak. I am tired and I start to question....everything.

It's like I forget all truth and start believing lies.  Why? I have no idea.  Probably because it's easier.  Isn't it? It's easier to believe a bunch of lies than it is to remember truth and recite it during those hard times.  It's easier to think, "ugh! I'm a horrible mom" , "Is this really it? This is my life? Sitting in Meijer with kids screaming and me containing them while I plan out weeks worth of meals?", "Why do people even like me? because I bake, take their pictures, what really do I have to offer anyone? am I just used?" ... yeah it's way easier.  

That was it...one thing after another happened and I lost it a little more after each thing.  The kids tear the house to shreds while I'm separating, making room and taking care of the groceries.  Dinner doesn't get on the table until 7:30 and by then an entire cup of apple juice is spilled and a container of gatorade.  After dinner...bath time.  Ben poops on the bathroom floor, a glass canning jar falls and breaks, Ben pees in two different rooms, Matthew pees all over the bathroom floor, toilet seat and anything else it seems. All of this while Brian was gone..at a meeting.  With each event Satan crept in a little more.  Tears were streaming as I questioned my ability to be a mother, as I questioned my desire to be a mother.  

"while Satan weaves his shallow lies...God speaks to me in love"

The kids are down and the house is caught up and I have time, it's late and tiring time, but it's quiet.  This is what I needed....

Deuteronomy 33:27

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

From Jesus Calling....

"I want you to be all mine.  I am weaning you from other dependencies.  Your security rests in Me alone - not in other people, not in circumstances.  Depending on ME may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath: the everlasting arms.  So don't be afraid of falling.  Instead, look ahead to Me.  I am always before you, beckoning you on - one step at a time.  Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can separate you from My loving Presence."

Satan can try all he wants but with Christ in me...he is already defeated. The battle is won and I am on the good side.  I fail and I regret...big time...but in this house? We strive to serve the Lord and how I am forever grateful and forever indebted to the fact that His mercies are new every morning.  I am given a grace beyond words and I am loved beyond description and I am forgiven.  Sometimes I forget to pray more earnestly that God allow me to see these kids...as His.  Because they are...

So after many shed tears...many regrets in one night...I open my hands and begin to seek forgiveness and count my blessings....

clear moon in the early morning hours,  paper hearts filling my house, four healthy beating hearts, peacefully sleeping boys, late night secret kisses, thanking God for them while they sleep, deep breaths, my old worn and torn Bible, forgiveness, encouraging words from my love, quiet time...slippers...

....we'll just make this a long one....because originally I was just going to post about my shopping and what I do with it ;) sooo.....I hate grocery shopping...especially with all kids in tow.  I like to feel organized and I like to shop with a clear mind.  Most of the time I can escape to go by myself but sometimes I don't.  Either way it's a lot of work and I like to do it as little as possible.  So my goal is always to shop for 2+ weeks and stock my freezer.

Here are a few things I want to mention before hand...

1. We buy our meat in bulk.  We buy a 1/4 cow and stock our freezer.  We also have this amazing uncle who gives us atleast one deer a year if we fail to get one ourselves.  chicken when on sale I will buy in bulk and stock our freezer (we got ourselves a cool little vacuum sealer for that)

2.  Typically we will do at least one simple night of dinner food (grilled cheese and tomato soup, macaroni and cheese) and one breakfast night (eggs, french toast casseroles, sweedish pancakes or breakfast burritos).

3.  Whether you are a family of 2, 6 or 10 groceries are not cheap.  The bigger the family the more frugal I feel you need to be.  So...we stay away from the processed food isles as much as possible because it's a lot of junk that doesn't last long and honestly spends more money.  I try and make as much as possible myself.  So I will make pizza dough and freeze it.  I will make french breads, I will make granola bars and pop tarts, granola.  You honestly also save money when buying in bulk or making in bulk.  

So today I went to four different stores...Birds Meat Market, Whispering Pines (Amish store), Aldi's and Meijer and this is basically what I ended up with (some is already in the freezer and fridge)

Yes this gets me three weeks...maybe more of groceries.  

So whenever I plan to make something freezable I double it on the day I make it and store it away for another week, a friend in need or a busy day.   Here are some of the things I make ahead and freeze:

Spaghetti Sauce (from www.thepioneerwoman.com)

**this alone gets me 6 meals of spaghetti**

Chili

White chicken chili

Lasagna

BBQ's

Vegetables for fajitas

breakfast burritos

enchiladas or enchilada casserole

cinnamon rolls

breakfast casseroles/bake french toasts

any and every crockpot meal (stews, soups, marinated meats)

What I would suggest is printing out a menu plan...you can find them all over pinterest.  Then I would start a pinterest board.  I know some people find it evil but I love it for this reason alone.  Here is mine...

http://www.pinterest.com/redeemed49345/monthly-cooking/

and a really good link....

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2013/07/freezer-cooking/

Always remember too when shopping like this to plan out lunches, breakfasts and special events.  I always plan a few extra goodies in case friends show up, our bible study groups or any other events I might have to bake for. 

Oh! The cost? ;) I haven't added it all up but this trip probably cost me around $400 HOWEVER I bought chicken and lots of it, I bought lots of my baked goods stuff including chemical free flour in bulk, oatmeal in bulk, sugars in bulk, spices (lots of them) and I bought the stuff to make spaghetti sauce and my extra meals. Typically my budget is around $100 per week...sometimes I'm right on...other times...not.so.much. 

the year of renovations......

So every week Brian and I discuss whether we are going to move or stay here.  Here are the things we love about this place...

1. it's our first place together

2. We brought our first baby home in this house

3. my husband built this house for us with his dad, my dad and a whole bunch of help with the in betweens including help from my step-dad.

4. Although we are in a development we are in the back on just over an acre and it's wooded. 

5.  We really do love our house.  Sure we were young when we built it and it's not what I LOVE as far as the interior decor goes but I love the set up 

6.  There is slight excitement about finishing the basement (which is the same square footage as our main floor)...and finishing it just how we would want it.

So we talk and talk options...what should we do?

Here are the things we don't like about our house:

1.  Although we're wooded...we really don't like such close neighbors

2. With four boys Brian has big dreams for them...he has a big passion for our boys to be taught trades (because kids these days don't think that's important), he wants to spend time on the four wheeler or hiking and hunting right on his own land.

3.  I have a passion for gardening, growing food from the land and harvesting it.  I have a dream to have some apple trees, cherry trees, pear trees and rows of blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, elderberries, mullberries and then gardens of vegetables....but we just don't have the space here.

4. If I could change four things about our house it would be 1. the circle.  OUr floorplan is pretty open so we have this circle where the kids can run from the kitchen, dining room, living room and hallway (never again), 2. storage...we have none, 3. a bigger kitchen with more counter space (I have an obsession with cooking, canning, preparing) and lastly a bigger laundry/mud room.

Never though do I want to be unhappy with what God has blessed us with.  So I am going room by room and giving simple, cheap touch ups to make it what we love (just in case we stay here).  Yes there is talk about extending the dining room out for a little more room and possible extending the kitchen.  There is talk about adding on another stall in the garage and building a little mud area :) but will be a LONG time...again if we decide not to sell. 

So I started in our bathroom last night.  I decided to just paint it because no matter how many pictures I show Brian, he can't envision it, which is funny because we are both visually challenged. 

So here is my inspiration...I am a farmhouse lover...

this is the trim color (kind of).....

giving us a look like this (minus the huge bathroom, clawfoot tub and everything else;)

These are the accent colors we are going for....

and some of the bigger pieces I need to hunt for and repaint....

We obviously just need one vanity but this is the look I am striving for...

I would love to find something like this to store our towels because we have no towel storage...yes we have a linen closet but no pantry :/ so that is being used as a pantry.

So these pictures are horrible because it was late at night, I refuse to use my flash (weird photographer thing in me).....but here is a before of our wall color and the in process picture :)

As much as it looks neon green it really is a light pale green...

trim color and wall color....we shall see? :)

so...thoughts?

...jeans on the floor...scattered books...finger prints on the windows...blankies heaped on the floor...toothpaste on the carpet...caramel sauce on the table...running water...giggles in the night...

Counting the blessings and the way God shows himself faithful in my life.  This is a habit that I am still very much working on but I believe the more I work at this the more I will see Jesus in my life. 

"When my life is organized around Jesus, who is Beautiful, my messy life is organized beautifully."

My life is messy...I can't stand to admit that four kids later...8 years later there are still failures that I witness everyday in myself.  The big one...forgetting that God doesn't see my life like I do.  Sometimes I feel the strong urge to get every toy put back exactly where the kids got them from...worse yet...exactly in the bin I bought for that exact toy.  My patience is tried when "pick up" time comes and the kids instead are exploring their imagination but that is not what I asked them to do....so my patience level lowers.  I yell...I regret.  I get on my hands and knees to clean up spilled milk, I get on my hands and knees to wipe around the toilet one more time wondering why in the world can't they make it into the toilet.  While I'm down there I notice blue toothpaste on the floor, in the sink, on the carpet and I wonder....why? can't they just keep it in their mouths and over the sink.  I walk into their room and once again pick up clothes off their floor and fold them and put them...sometimes calmly and other times not.so.much.  I fix the broken chair surrounding our dinner table one more time from the child who acts like a monkey every time he sits in it.  Scattered lego pieces...well I pick those up for everyone's safety.  The point is...most times I view these things as an inconvenience but today....I got this love letter....and I think every mom needs to hear it.  Because when I got it? I thought how can I get this on my walls? How can I get this on my heart? How can I get this in every square inch of my life? 

"You have one of the most beautiful hearts in women that I know of, and I am so in awe of that and how much you love the Lord, and it is evident. But if Jesus, came and knocked on your door, I can only imagine, that he would not for a moment think about a messy house. I think he would walk with you, and in the living room, thank you for playing with the children he had entrusted you with. He would take you to the kitchen, and instead of seeing piles of dirty dishes that never seem to be done, he would thank you for feeding and providing for not only your children, but for your husband, and your friends, and the people in need. He would see what you had done with those dishes. He would go into your bathroom and see toothpaste in your sink as a symbol of your worship to him for taking care of the mouths that the Lord has blessed you all with to verbally worship him. He would see the kids' bedrooms as safe places for the boys to be themselves, not as messes. Many alters are built and either wear over time or are destroyed, but the alters and their messages stand. The piles of lego's, and dishes, and towels, and so much more that you find yourself overwhelmed and worried with, are symbols and alters of Gods gifts to you. His continual faithfulness to provide your family with food and necessities. We can build alters as fancy as we want them and we can work as hard as we possibly can to make the most beautiful alters of all, but there are all these small alters that God has already provided for us that we must choose to see as the Alters of His faithfulness and Grace. All in all- you are an amazing mom, wife, friend, sister, and servant of the Lord. Your home, your kitchen, your van...they are all symbols of that. We choose our alters. And you are surrounded by them."

We have this event at our church called the W4 and this years theme is "Alters that alter us" ... I asked a bunch of women, old and young how they "create" alters in their life to mark when God is faithful? I was asked to come up with some examples and to be honest I am struggling. To me seeing God as faithful is a habit that we must choose daily. Do you think God shows himself faithful daily? If you only see God when you want to then your answer will be no. But if you choose to see God in the small things then you can attest to the fact that God is faithful...daily. I don't necessarily mark it but I fill my house with it. I write scripture that is written on my heart around our house because this scripture shows God faithful to me. So I asked my sister how she would build alters that mark God's faithfulness in her life. These thoughts above came from the popular passage of Martha and Mary. How often I forget about that passage. Although she claims she isn't calling me a Martha...I am one. I need to daily make the choice to sit at the feet of Jesus, soak in His words and teachings and rely fully on him. Why do I think I am doing this alone? Why do I so often forget that God has entrusted these kids to me and he rejoices when I take care of them in love.

so moms....how do we get this on our walls? ;)

polished keys......

I had someone tell me last night that they have never seen the keys on a keyboard polished so smoothly because of using them so much.  He laughed and looked amazed.  What this person doesn't know though is this.....

yes I spend hours of my life editing because what I do for a living (aside from being a wife and a mother) requires deadlines...

yes I spend hours at my computer responding to inquiries for maternity pictures, wedding availability, family pictures and answering questions about photography...

yes I spend hours reading blogs that encourage me for the day because sometimes knowing that someone else deals with a messy, crazy life, just gets me through the day...

But sometimes I get cramps because I just had an hour long chat with someone whose husband is leaving her...

Sometimes I sit at the computer with tears, my hands just resting on the keys, wondering "what do I say to this woman who is hurt, broken and starving?"...

I type and type and type some more to encourage that family member who is depressed, to brainstorm with that sister that loves to plan, to make sure the church pre-school room is staffed for this upcoming week, to figure out who needs meals and when they need them by...

Sometimes my eyes hurt late at night as I am sending friends or loved ones little encouraging emails to help them get through the day facing them tomorrow...

Sometimes I sit late at night and plan out the next days work with the help of home school blogs and Pinterest (yes that evil word that every man hates...but my pinterest puts good dinners on the tables and equips me with good crafts and creative learning for our kids)....

I looked at my keys today...they are polished...worn off but I don't see regret in any of them...in fact I don't really regret one minute spent on them....God has so incredibly blessed me which equips me to incredibly bless others...I am blessed so I can bless....

...my life word...

Have you ever heard of a life word?  A word that you choose to focus your life on...well I try and do one every year.  So this year...I still haven't quite figured it out.  

I try and look back at 2013 and honestly? I didn't cry enough. Wait...what? Yes, I honestly did cry enough.  This may seem weird to you but as much as I don't like to cry ... there is a peace that comes after the cry.  I am not saying I want disaster brought to my life, but I definitely want my heart to break for what breaks Gods and I can honestly say, this past year I lived a little blindly. I overwhelmed myself with a schedule in photography that I never want to return to.  It made me "not present", always worrying about the next session, how much I have to do and how much time it is away from my family.  I "checked out" and it was not good. 

There were some big decisions made, a relationship that I loved changed for what seems like forever.  But then there were relationships built that I hope last forever.  A marriage challenged and a challenged conquered.  

In my opinion you have two options.  Two ways to live your life. You can choose to live life viewing it as a gift or as a given. You can choose to live life drowning yourself in thanksgiving or you can choose to live life drowning because you take everything for granted.  When I choose to see life as a gift and everything in it as a gift...I am happier.  Because I don't just see it as a gift...I see the Giver in each and every little gift.  

We are in a hurting world.  A world where we honestly need training in to survive.  I have a friend whose husband hurts her, kicks her out of her home with kids and doesn't show he loves her.  What about the friend whose husband lies to her and cheats on her? I have a friend who lost two babies within 24 hours.  I have a friend who has been on a very long journey of ups and downs in her life.  I have a grandma...forgetting. A step-mother whose daughters won't talk to her.  These are hard things.  But if we cannot choose to open our hands, bow our hearts and see that there is a Giver in all of these things...then we drown.  We must see God in these things...in the good and the bad. 

There is an enemy prowling and he has to desires for a Christian walking in faith: 1. blind you to who God is. 2. and blind you to who you are

(ann voskamp)

So what is my life word this year? 

Well if I am choosing to count the gifts, choosing to see God in all things...

see

that's it...

I will choose to see God in everything...good and bad.  It won't be easy but it's my choice.  To see where every gift is from the Giver. 

5 years.....

I distinctly remember the day I grabbed for the broccoli, having a strong urge to add it to the macaroni and cheese I just made for the two crazy kids begging for food.  William was 1 1/2 and Zakary was about 6 months...a sudden pit formed in my stomach as it hit me.  I couldn't get to the store fast enough only to get back home before nap time.  I got the kids down for a nap and ran to the bathroom...three minutes later, heart racing, nerves going crazy...the lines proved my fears...I was pregnant.  

I remember calling Brian in tears, actually sobbing at the news.  He had thought something terrible had happened because he couldn't understand me...he came rushing home. 

I just had a baby, I just got out of my maternity clothes, I was still nursing...from the beginning it was bad.  The pregnancy was horrible.  I couldn't exercise because every time I did I put myself in premature labor.  My body hadn't had time to strengthen before I got pregnant again making this pregnancy a little more sensitive than most.  

It's hard to believe I made it through.  I never thought I would honestly.  I thought that having two kids 18 months apart and then to have two 14 months apart would put an end to me...well it didn't.  We made it...

I know that it was a hard realization for me at the time but I have a little bit of guilt when I remember how I reacted to being pregnant with Matt.  How could I be upset about this....

This child...who was difficult from the beginning has brought an incredible amount joy to our lives.  He has been independent from the beginning.  He loved being left alone to just watch his brothers.  He would sit by the lake up at the cottage on a blanket and be perfectly content watching his brother...more like learning. He got this blankie from Grandma Maksymowski and still chews it to pieces...I can't get it away from him....

The minute he started on the move he was climbing up everything.  He was barely walking for a few months when he decided to climb up the bar stool chairs, onto the raised counter top, into the sink, turned the sink on and used the sink hose to spray down the entire kitchen...all while I was doing the laundry.  

When he was a toddler we moved him to a toddler bed because he would try and climb out of the crib.  He decided that when we put him to bed he would empty his toy box, all his dresser drawers, take all of his bedding off his bed, flip his mattress and move his bed away from the wall...then he would fall sound asleep wherever his exhausted body fell.  The morning he woke up with a huge bump on his head we decided to move him to a twin sized bed...oh! Matthew...

He is a crazy kid! He loves cars!  He collects things.  He loves to play with Legos, Ninja Turtles, puzzles and he LOVES playing chef.  He loves helping me cook and he loves pretending to cook.  I often go to him when my utensils are missing because he needed them to make something.  

He is completely awkward with affection.  Whenever I kiss him he wipes it off and continues to do so to make sure he really got it off.  He struggles with you when you want a hug...barely giving you one at all.  The only time he shows affection is when he needs you...when he's hurt or his feelings are hurt or when he is scared. 

I know he loves me though because every night...he loves it when i carry him to bed, sing I'll love you forever to him, whenever he bakes something on his own (with pretend food) he brings it to me with the biggest smile.  Still (yes lets hear it that I am a horrible mom) he climbs in early in the morning to bed and snuggles with me.  

Although he loves to cook and would rather stay inside with mom while the boys go sledding he is all boy.  He loves to take his shirt off and challenge his brothers or dad to a wrestling match.  He loves watching his dad try and hunt down squirrels eating the bird food.  He loves dressing up and fighting and he loves climbing, running and jumping...especially on the bed....

He is barely growing...he is probably one of the smallest five year olds I know but he has one of the biggest hearts.

Matthew...I want you to know that although you seem like one of the most difficult kids...you are a true and absolute joy.  I want you to know that I love your laugh...I love the way you express yourself whether it be through the cutest phrases "so happy" to your weird and awkward noises.  I love the way you set up your cars, color, want to do whatever it is mom is doing.  I love watching you care for your brothers even when you don't want to.  I love watching you love your Auntie Shelby...she needs you and I know someday you are going to need her just as much.  Although I wish you would stop chewing on your blanket...I love it.  Although I wish I could sleep all night and all morning without feet poking into my side...I love those little snuggles I get.  I love that you need me.  That you trust me to protect you and help you.  You.are.a.good.kid.  You are a great kid.  

I know being the middle child is not fun...but we will promise to watch over you.  We promise to raise you strong and we will pray and commit to praying that you will be a mighty warrior for the Kingdom of God.  You are a blessing...and although, when I found out God was already knitting you together inside my womb, I didn't show it...you have shown us that you truly are a blessing in our lives...we can't imagine our lives with out you sweet child. We love you..

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY MATTHEW KURT BERENBROCK