Last night I went to bed with feelings only the great deceiver can give. Feelings of helplessness, feelings of unworthiness and feelings of doubt. Feelings of not giving my kids a big American Christmas and how they will be disappointed for years to come I'm sure because of the expectations our society sets.
My husband...oh, my dear amazing, God-fearing husband took my hands last night before we closed our eyes and he said, "let's go to God". He said he felt like "spaghetti brain" that night while he prayed and I said, "it was perfect". Together we gave it to God and we closed our eyes with peace.
I woke up to this...
"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
~Matthew 6: 23-25~
Then I woke up to a dear friends post about motherhood...the expectations and how not to let them weigh you down...
and another one covering the same heart and feelings.
Then there was this ... the second advent week video by Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com.
All blogs, thoughts, feelings, bare exposed hearts on the fears I went to bed with. God...answering our prayers above and beyond. Comforting words from a friend about my ability to homeschool my kids...words of encouragement to press on.
I find myself often in a spot like Jacob was. In Genesis 28:10-16 Jacob wakes from a dream and says, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I wasn't even aware of it!"
I find myself wondering if God really is hearing me. With all of the struggles and hurting in the world. With the poverty and poor, the dying and sick...does he hear my fears about money and homeschooling? But then there are answered prayers...experiencing God that cannot be denied.
I can climb and climb and climb this ladder of life...this ladder of fear...this ladder of expectations set by the world but the real amazing thing is...there really are no ladders for me to climb up, because Christ came down one to get me!
"I tell you the truth, you will see heaven open and the angels of God going up and down on the Son of Man, the one who is the stairway between heaven and earth" (John 1:51, emphasis added).
"Jesus doesn't show you the steps to get to heaven - Jesus is the steps to heaven. Jesus doesn't merely come down to show you the way up - Jesus comes to make Himself into the WAY to carry you up. He comes to us not in spite of our failings - but precisely because of them. Ours is the God who is drawn to those who feel down. Ours is the God who is attracted to those who feel abandoned. Ours is the God who is bound to those who feel broken".
It's been heavy on my heart this Christmas, this Advent season, this waiting and preparing and sharing the coming of our Saviour...to make it slow.
"Make space in the pace for Peace...for Jesus"
"Slow for more joy in Jesus...simplify Christmas by celebrating Christ"
in the middle of the mess of an American Christmas we are making space for the Messiah...finding Him in the mess of this life...slowing....
This week I have no commitments and I am grateful for it...because today I got to be with my kids...and God is faithful through my obedience to slow down. I cried....I cried like a baby as my oldest son lit the dining room table candles opened his bible and invited me to have a bible study with him. He found in his bible the story of Jesus Christs Birth. He knows my heart and he knows this is the true story of Christmas. He knows I find the miracle fascinating and I cry at the fact that the God of the Universe, so big the heavens couldn't contain him came down, soft, slow and small to save us! If I would have been in a hurry, busy with life...I would have missed that moment. I shed tears as I watch my 8 year old hover over his bible, reading it and asking questions...together we are finding Christ this Christmas.
Thank you Jesus!
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