The holiday season is coming to a close...I feel ready. 

Sometimes I ache when it's over because I love the tree and the decorations and the meaningful December that I force upon my family (smiling).  But for some odd reason I am ready for 2015.  I have no idea what it brings but I do know that this year came with A LOT of learning and preparing for what's to come.

I had a hard personal year.  I didn't lose a close loved one or almost die myself.  My Grandma was diagnosed with Dementia and my heart hurts every time I spend time with her. But personally it was a year of figuring out who I am in Christ.  Yes...at 30 (almost 31) years old...I am still learning and figuring out who God has designed me to be. 

 When I say I went through a rough year personally I mean that I had some hard relationship issues to get through or get over.  And getting over them is harder than getting through them in my opinion because that means I am truly leaving that relationship up to God to restore. 

But going through them was the hardest of all because it was a battle of listening way too much to Satan's lies and trying to hear God's voice through them.  To me that is like trying to hear my husband call my name in the Mall during black Friday sales.  I cried...I pleaded...I asked too many people about my uncertainties...I tried plugging my ears and listening to God.  I didn't like who I was and didn't want to be anyone's friend.  

Praise the Lord it didn't stay that way! I love how God works.  I believe He ordains every part of my day and yours.  So when another situation rose this week where all of those questions and doubts flooded back to me, I couldn't help but rejoice and praise Him for bringing me a friend, His Word, a godly husband who takes my hand and prays with me and these words to sum up what I learned this year for my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Take warning...they are hard to hear...but this is what I learned from my year...

Just a bunch of random quotes to sum it up...

"And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:14

"Love is the overall grace from which all others grow.  Indeed, love binds all the other virtues together in perfect unity."

"our devotion to God is validated by our love for other people."

"We cannot truly love God without loving one another.  To recognize that there is someone I do not love is to say to God, 'I do not love you enough to love that person.'"

"I am referring to the attitude of not even wanting to love the person, of being content to allow a lack of love for someone reside in my heart unchecked and unchallenged."

"Love inclines us and directs us to be kind, to forgive, to give of ourselves to one another."

"God was love long before he had made any creatures to be the objects of his love, even from all eternity."

"If we desire to be godlike and to glorify God in our lives, we must make the cultivation and exercise of love in our hearts an urgent priority."

"Love is priority.  for if I love God, I will seek to be holy, and if I love other people, I will seek to be humble, putting their interests ahead of mine."

"love gives, even at great cost to itself/oneself."

"Do we love one another enough to forgive each other, with or without apologies for wrongs done to us? So often we want to exact the last ounce of remorse and repentance form our erring brother before we will even consider forgiving him.  But God did not do this.  When we were still sinners, still His enemies, He sent His Son to die for us so that HE might forgive us."

"Forgiveness cost God His Son on the cross, but what does it cost us to forgive one another?  Forgiving costs us our sense of justice.  WE all have this innate sense deep within our souls, but it has been perverted by our selfish, sinful natures.  We want to see "justice" done, but the justice we envision satisfies our own interests.  We must realize that justice has been done.  God is the only rightful administrator of justice in all of creation, and His justice has been satisfied.  In order to forgive our brother, we must be satisfied with God's justice and forego the satisfaction of our own."

"Love is more than a mere act of the will.  Love is a vigorous spirit that rues the whole man, ever directing him to the humble and loving fulfillment of his duties to God and man.   We should do more than just decide to do acts of love: we should desire to do them."

"We are to lay hold of God in prayer until He gives us that vigorous and loving spirit that delights to reach out and embrace our brothers and meet his need or forgive his sin, even if it is at great cost to ourselves."

"How, then, can we fulfill our responsibility to love more and more?  First, as we have already seen, the Spirit of God uses His Word to transform us.  There, if we want to grow in love, we must saturate our minds with Scriptures that describe love and show its importance to us.  The second thing we must do is pray for the Holy Spirit to apply His Word to our hearts and to our daily lives."

"AS we do our part, we can count on God to perform His, not because our working obligates Him to work but because He is a gracious and loving God and wants us to become gracious and loving children of His."

I have small New Years resolutions like capturing my kids daily lives and my husbands...being a planner when it comes to the budget and grocery shopping...eating a cleaner and healthier diet and making sure I am giving my kids good nutrition as they grow...but my big one...is to continue to grow in knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ and to put all of the above into practice.

It's quiet here this morning.  There is excitement in our stirring hearts as we wake this Christmas Eve.  They boys they move the snowflake over once again on our Advent calendar counting down the days to celebrate Jesus' birth.  

We lit the candles last night after a long day of preparing.  

There were expectations set and expectations not met.  There were hurtful words and a pile full of regret.  There were apologies.  But this mama heart doesn't forgive herself so easily.  There were many tears...mostly mine streaming as I chose the easy way out and gave up all joy and defaulted to anger, impatience and unrest.  

I grew fearful.  Why do I feel like such an awful mother? When four little crazy boys seem as if they lack all respect for this mama, when they don't listen and don't do.  When they use their own hurtful words towards each other and they choose not to love.  

I cannot expect my kids to live like Jesus if I choose not to display how to live like Jesus to them. 

So we open our devotional and my grieving heart reads the words...the very breath of God. 

"Joseph DO NOT BE AFRAID to take Mary as your wife.  For the child within her conceived by the Holy Spirit.  And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from his sins."

Jesus, which means the Lord saves.

Jesus doesn't come to save those who are rich.  Jesus doesn't come to save those who will do enough work for him or best work for him.  Jesus doesn't come to save those who are healthy and can run 10 miles.  Jesus doesn't come to save those prestigious ones who come from a noble and rich family line. Jesus comes to save all.  The broken, the hurting, the poor, the low and the least of these.  He came to save both Jews and Gentile. Me....you.

So we talk.  Our names all have a meaning and they all come from somewhere.

The angel Gabriel appeared to Zechariah and Mary and his names means, "Strength of God".  Zechariah who doubted means, "God remembers".  Elizabeth means "oath of God" while Mary means "wished for child".  John means, "Jehovah has been gracious", Joseph means, "May Jehovah add" and Jesus means, "The Lord saves".

William.  We named him William after my dad, Mark William Manson. Williams means, "God's warrior or Protector".  Zakary Brian is named after his dad.  Zakary means, "remembered by God".  Matthew Kurt.  He was named after Brian's dad.  Matthew means, "gift of Yahweh" and I need that reminder daily.  Benjamen Aaron was named after me, Stacie Erin. Benjamen means, "son of the right hand".  Brian named after his father and his older brother, means "noble" and Stacie...named after no one...no significance...means "resurrection"!  

That is the rest of our Christmas story.  Some celebrate Christmas and just enjoy the traditions...the family...some enjoy the shopping and spending of money and some absolutely hate this time of year.  My Christmas Story celebrates Jesus.  Not just his birth but his resurrection.  Because lets face it...the birth of Jesus is pointless without the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Because Hope came down and he lived and walked this earth and breathed this air.  He was killed and buried.  BUT HE ROSE AGAIN and appeared to over 500 people.  Yes I celebrate the birth of Jesus...but I also celebrate the hope He brings.  That this life isn't it.  I fail and I make mistakes and I have regrets.  I am weak and a sinner...but Hope came down and rescued me.

And all these gifts...our kids...have names that reflect the One who created them.  And we didn't plan it but God did.  He knew their names before we thought them and each.name.reflects Him.  Reminding me of just how great a gift they really are. Reminding me that God gave them to us and He knows when He will take them back.  So my grieving heart last night turned joyful...

I am storing their name meanings in my heart today.  To remember that my kid gifts are so divine and full or purpose and entrusted to us.  

"God comes....God comes quiet...This night a battle has been waged and won for you.  Love had to come back for you.  Love had to get to you.  The Love that has been coming for you since the beginning - He slays dragons for you.  This is the truest love story of history, and it's His-story, and it's for you....Rejected at the inn, holy God comes in small to where you feel rejected and small.  God is with you now.  Where you are - in a soundless cry or hidden brokenness or in your ache - God always wants to be with you. We are never left alone in this; God is with us."

I broke my New Years Resolution.

I was soooooooooooo close!

My NYR was to not get into any debatable conversations on facebook for the very reason that people on both sides of every topic forget that there is a real person, with a real heart and real feelings behind the screen. And then for the reason of it making me feel anxious.  Like keep me up worrying anxious. 

Last night I got off that wretched facebook and read this...

My devotional was referencing 1 Kings 18:18-24, you know that incredible story where Eliah challenges the people of Israel to throw away their idols and believe in the one true God.  The problem was the god Baal had 450 prophets at the time and our amazing true God only had one...Elijah.  But that is God.  When the odds seem against him is when He shines the most it seems. 

They stand on Mount Carmel...Elijah, 450 prophets of Baal and the people of Israel.  The strap two bulls onto the altar and each call out to their God to set the offering on fire.  Can you guess which God delivered? The people of Israel were wavering between two gods.

"The Hebrew word for wavering means sinking.  It's our wavering between gods that has us sinking.  It's the wavering between the gods of things and the God of everything - that's what has us flailing and drowning soundless in it all"

Don't be fooled.  Just because we here in America may not worship the actual god of Baal...we have our own Baals. "The Baal of success and the Baal of Pinterest, the Baal of perfection and the Baal of affirmation. The Baal of being right and the Baal of earning favor.  It's always Baal's that keep us from God, the Baals of work and agenda and accomplishment that keep us from prayer.  We don't pray enough when we are practicing idol worship."

"you know you have an idol whenever you have to perform"....ouch! Because even in the midst of Advent with our great intentions of teaching our kids we seek to perform and most of the time...we try to perform too much.  Advent Bucket lists, advent devotionals and you can't decide between the two so you do them both, Advent activities and random acts of kindness, toys for tots and making things for every person you know!

"Your hands need not bring anything of your own making.  What God wants for Christmas is simply your bended knee."

Slow....wait....rest in Jesus. Because we are not just celebrating a baby.  As my pastor put it last Sunday we are celebrating the King of Kings, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace! God who "let his blood run so you can stop running".

Tim Keller puts it like this, "The only way to overcome idols in your life is to see that Jesus gives freely what every other god says that you can only get through your performance.  Jesus gives you through His blood what every other god demands through yours."

so kneel...behold only Him...prepare room in your heart for Him and adore Him.

I wanted to share my passion with you...If you don't know me yet...I LOVE photography.  I love how three different photographers can take one subject and do completely different things with it.  We all have a unique eye and vision...

What I love most about it though is that I have the "know how" to take decent pictures of my kids.  Whether you have a desire to take professional pictures and make a business or not I place a high priority on taking pictures of my kids and I think you should too. There is something special about really knowing how to work your camera so that when that special laugh comes about because your son just got in a tickling war, you're ready for it.  Or when bath splashing makes you laugh so hard you want to remember how it made you feel.  Or when you're sitting outside with a book and your kids just start running and laughing or riding their bike or wanting to splash at the lake or climb the sand dune...whatever the occasion nothing spoils it more than a blurry, under or over exposed picture. 

You don't have to have the most expensive camera or the best lens to get great pictures of your kids.  Honestly, I've seen iphones do some incredible work. 

I purposely put together a simple set up to share with you so you can see it doesn't have to be spectacular and you don't have to have a lot of money.  

So as you can see..this is in my bedroom.  I 100% suggest a neutral light colored wall.  If it were white I'd love it that much more.  I kept our bedding simple.  Believe it or not I buy our bedding based on doing pictures on our bed.  Our kids love to jump on the bed and we allow them to...I have fun doing it...I can't imagine what kind of super hero they think they are when they are jumping on the bed! Flannel sheets are from Target...ok actually all of the bedding is ;).  Except for the throw at the end of the bed...that came from an antique store in Newaygo.  I painted a white picture frame and used a tac to hang a wreath from it.  I cut a little tree down from our back yard and planted it (in a mason jar) in a tin container.  I strung twine and hung $1 snowflakes from it and a $1 sign that says "Merry".  Wa-la! If you can't tell the window is behind me (see the light on the pillows?).  

I spent NOTHING on this little mini shoot with my boys.  I was going to do an all jeans and shirtless shoot but it's sad to say I just didn't feel "ok" about that with my little boys being shirtless on the internet.  So I went to the basement and scrounged.  I wanted to keep it simple so they are all in grey tones! Nothing fancy...just plain Jane shirts they already had! 

I made sure they were facing the window and they were watching the movie at the time.  I watched all day for the best light to come in and tested many times.  There are no extra lights on...just the curtains pulled back.  Finally it was time! I told them if they smiled good and listened well they could return to their movie faster. This took a total of 5 minutes! If only set up took that long ;).

My ISO was at 250 and white balance was on auto.  I was shooting with the 50mm 1.4 with my aperture at 1.8.  Enjoy! Merry Christmas From the Berenbrock's

Don't be afraid to jump on the bed too ;) 

And don't be afraid of tickle wars!