Early yesterday morning I rose with my husband. I hugged him goodbye, handed him his breakfast and lunch, along with a tasty cake. He kissed me and thanked me for being a good mom. It got the kids settled with breakfast and of course poured myself coffee. Packed the kids up to go see my mom, fresh out of surgery, and spend some time with her. My mistake? Sitting down at my computer. Eager to catch up with friends and bid some friends a good day with an encouraging article. Before 9am hit I sat, tears streaming and hurting. This is me...being vulnerable...not childish or dramatic. This is me opening my heart and pouring it out because otherwise it gets hard and I throw up a guard that is extremely hard to break down. This is me being vulnerable because I know I am not the only one that struggles with this.
I have worked hard to build up my reputation. Not one of monetary worth or worldly worth but one that is trustworthy, honest, loving and kind. I take seriously the encouragement to let others see Christ in me. So when someone accuses me of not being that...it is hurtful. Not only that but when they refuse to resolve...refuse to accept an apology or maybe even turn others against you as well...very hurtful. I have that horrible disorder and maybe other women have it to, but when someone falsely accuses you of it and stands their ground to where it hurts your feelings....all the other ones come out and you feel trampled on, turned against, worthless, low, dirt. As much as I wanted to lash out through email I decided to "take up my cross". Not in an arrogant, "I'm so holy and know how to take up my cross" kind of way...believe me I fail MANY times by forgetting to take up my cross. But what I am saying is it would have been easy to lash out and name call....but these are human beings I am dealing with and for some reason I think others forget that when staring at a screen.
When you sit down to type an email...it's not to the computer. It's not to a name it's to a person with a heart, feelings, the chance of that heart getting broken. A real person. I am a real person whose heart was breaking. A real person with real tears streaming down my face. A real person sick to my stomach because of the accusations made.
I cried to my mom...remembered scripture and a verse in a song that is always encouraging and tells me that "when Satan weaves his shallow lies, God speaks to me in love." I went on a run and basked in God's glorious creation...letting the warm sun from the radiant sunset fall on my face.
I have this in my house. Remembering the miracles of Christ and the miraculous gift he gave us. This...the real Christmas gift...Christ taking up His cross while falsely accused, heart broken, trampled on, turned against, low and like dirt. As much as my heart was breaking yesterday I came to think about the fact that I can't even IMAGINE how God's was breaking. Watching those He created turn against His Son and falsely accuse him, spit on him, beat him...hate him.
All the while, never taking his focus off of the Father. Never taking his focus off of the purpose. One of my many verses in the Bible is Romans 5:3-6 which says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." So if this circumstance will make me more like Christ, than I'll take it. It's just not easy. I allow lies into my life and through these I allow my character and identity to be shaken...
Then God gives me truth...in love.
As my natural state and my flesh scream out...you are a loser, hypocrite, dirt, rude, arrogant, nasty, dramatic, immature and childish person...God whispers ...
"At great cost, all by his own doing, Jesus makes me his own, loves me without condition, forgives me without remainder, places his name on me, puts his own Spirit in me, and goes ahead to prepare a place for me. He's made me a chosen people, a holy nation, a royal priesthood, one who belongs to God."
I am not those things my flesh say I am...I am a daughter of the ONE true King. I am a sinner and he is blameless. If you could count everything that I've done wrong...who could stand BUT there is forgiveness with you God. I will make mistakes. I am not blameless. But I am not what you call me...
"Daughter of the Most high
Look within and see
Your beauty isn't skin-deep
It comes when you're redeemed.
The Lord has made you worthy,
a new creation, once unclean
So, let go of your insecurities
and embrace the love you need.
You were created in His image,
molded to a tee
And when ashamed of your reflection
you spit in the face of HE
Of He who made you perfect
Exactly as He intended you to be
Beloved you have a purpose
You're a daughter of the King!
"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken."
Psalm 55:22
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