photo credit by Kristy Rivard

 

 

"A Godly friend is the grace of God in your life"

 

 

If you even slightly read my blogs you'll get the idea that I have a great passion for sisters in Christ.  I have a great desire to see my generation of women rise up and be Godly women who live out their faith and encourage young mothers to do the same.  To come along side them, encourage them and mentor them.  Do you see that woman kind of in the middle.  She is dressed in all black, with short curly hair and one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen? She is just that.  She has taken on this small group of women as her young mama's of the church.  She has spent almost 2 years now encouraging us in our mission to motherhood, helping us grow in our faith and dig into the Word and really model our life after Christ.  She is truly the grace of God in our lives.  She has set a real and true example of what being the hands and feet of Jesus looks like and she is changing our worlds...I pray it's a domino effect and changes the world.

 

Each of these women have their own stories.  Finance troubles, a "quiver full" of rowdy crazy boys, the horrible infection shingles, a newborn baby not willing to sleep, a special needs child and the list could go on and on...This wonderful woman who has a huge heart for us girls organized a "momcation".   It was 24 hours (I love that she gets it...that too much time would almost be stressful for us to be away and stressful for our husbands).  We really didn't know what to expect because she didn't give a ton of detail but we knew it was going to be 24 hours away with Godly women and no kids.  The time came, the clock read 5:00pm and we were loaded and ready to head out.  We arrived at a house.  A plain looking house in Jenison...a house of a friend.  We unloaded our stuff and walked in the front door and the smell overtook us.  It was amazing and then....

 



The table was set for us...we didn't know what to do with that.  We are the ones that cook dinner and set the table.  To have it all done for us...we were beyond grateful.  Here is that story.  The owner of the house is a family friend of this woman. He is a 78 year old man, never been married, a professor but clearly loves the Lord.  It was evident without even meeting him.  He offered his house to us...6 tired mamas and he just went and stayed with a friend.  He set this table, made dinner and left little notes throughout the house offering amazing hospitality.

 

 

 

There were extra toothbrushes, razors, shampoo and shower accessories, wine, extra bedding and enough bedding.  The house had a gorgeous view off the back patio....breathtaking in the morning....

 

 

So....we started our weekend.  We started with dinner and had moments of laughter when silence came because we didn't know what to do with it...it was foreign to us.  Then we were give our "schedule" which was incredibly laid back but we were so grateful for it...and not expecting it.  Our friend, who put so much work into this momcation and we had no idea.  She had meals planned, a walk planned, four sessions on DVD by Sally Clarkson's Renew Your Mom Heart series, quiet time and she made booklets and gave gifts.

 

 

She even had most of the notes typed up...so we had minimal writing to do.  Is this her gift? I think so.  We so enjoyed each others company.  Dinner came and went, session one came and went and as dessert was served we did nails, laughed and stayed up WAY too late (poor already sleep deprived mom)....

 

 

We went to bed and all slept hard and peacefully.  I woke up like an alarm clock around 7, send a love text to my husband and spent some time in prayer.  I snuck upstairs to catch a picture of the sunrise (the photographer in me got really excited that the sun would rise over the lake a little)...

 

 

....another grace of God in my life....

 

 

We had breakfast together the next morning and decided to walk it off.  We came back and we spent 45 minutes...let me say that again FORTY-FIVE MINUTES.  OF alone time...in the Word...just us and God...AHHHHHMAZING!

 

I dove into the Word like I was starving for it.  Knowing it was only going to last for so long...I cross referenced everything and found other pieces of scripture that relate to what we were going over...I couldn't get enough! I kept coming back to the aching in my heart for young moms in the church.  I was frustrated in a sense because in John it says that nothing comes to a man or is given to a man unless it is from God.  So this desire for women's ministry in my heart is from God...yet this past month I was burned horribly by women.  This can't be it right?  God wouldn't allow me to go into a ministry where obviously I don't fit so well?

 

Then the next session was this....

"James says, count it all joy when you encounter trials...! Why count it joy? Because God counts you worthy to show in a performance (test, trial) how you've been practicing your faith.  In your testing, are you being faithful? In all your invisibleness, are you trusting God?"

 

Testing from God isn't to bring you down...testing is His way of showing me that He believes I will perform.  Whether I perform 100% off the bat or whether I even learn from mistakes made along the way and don't ignore them...God considers me worthy of it.   So was this trial to see for myself that women...well we are sometimes mean.  We compete with each other and for some reason it's ingrained in us to tear each other down instead of building each other up.  But God handles everything and he needs women to rise up and not shy away from it. 

 

I think the older generation of women (not all but some) might think that my generation just wants to swoop in and change everything.  That we will want to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  That we don't want to learn from them or that we just want to be greatly entertained.  So.not.true!  The women that I know in my generation want to be encouraged...we want to be mentored and taught.  We want to be the women of our church that are loved and blessed...we want to be the future Jacinda Bitely, Claudia Lovell, Sue Scott, Alison Laur, June Hammond, Michelle Weeks, Kristy Vanderwall, Liz Leseman and the list could go on and on...I am not speaking just for these 5 women who have been taken under the wing of one of these women...I am speaking for the women on our generation...we need to be taught that there is more to our motherhood than just changing diapers, staying up late, cuddling a sick baby and instructing after instructing.

 

 

Each of these women have blessed me in one shape or form. 

Kristy - whenever I picture you in my mind the first thing that comes to my mind is your smile.  I can picture how your nose crinkles and how your mouth forms.  I also picture your great strength in dealing with a house remodel and a special needs child yet you find time to serve others with the purest of heart. 

 

Calista - You, my friend have been an answer to prayers.  I love how gentle you are in being a mother.  You, although younger, have set an example on how to spend time with my children, sing to them and discipline gently.  I love your true heart of worship and the wisdom you possess at such a young age.  You are an encouragement!

 

Dana - my sister separated at birth ;) You have been true and honest with me and God has answered both of our prayers in our friendship together.  I love your laugh and of course your smile and that is what I picture when I picture you.  You are an amazing wife and set great, high standards for me to follow.

 

Karalise - I am still getting to know you fully but what I know of you...I love your honest, pure, genuine heart to know people.  You truly love people and it radiates from you.  I love your raw honesty with life.  You are a wonderful mom and have set many true examples for me.

 

 

Jacinda - Well if you don't know yet how I feel about you...then I am not doing a very good job.  Words can't express my gratitude for you taking us under your wing.  For listening to God has he pressed this interesting group on your heart and for following and being an obedient, faithful servant of Christ.  You have set examples beyond what I've ever imagined in a mentor, sister in Christ.  You have show a real true example of how the sisters in the Body of Christ are to be...how they work.  You, my friend, are changing this church and our world.  You obedience and faithfulness is producing great fruit.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart...with the purest and truest intentions...thank you.





 

Meet Kristen! I take so much joy in maternity pictures.  Every time I see a baby belly Psalms pops into my head....

 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb"

 

Even in the first picture above...I frame bellies not only because it looks cute but because that is mom holding her baby right there.  In this mom's case...babies! Yes! Twins!

 

Here is her story...

 

My husband and I have a pretty exciting story to share with Twins on the way!  My due date is May 19th, but the doctor won't let me go past 38 weeks.  The target to have these babies is the last week of April, first week of May.  

 

 
Curt and I have been through quite a bit to get pregnant.  It took over 3 years of trying on our own and then going to a fertility specialist.  After many different procedures, our last step was in-vitro.  The first round failed and we really thought our chances of getting pregnant were next to nothing and it was very depressing.  After taking last summer off of everything, we did another round of in-vitro and found out on our 13th wedding anniversary this past September that I was pregnant.  At the 6 week ultrasound, we got the news that we were going to have twins.  I think we were both hoping for twins as we have always wanted two kiddos and now we could be done.  The best part of all is that at the 16 week ultrasound, we found out I'm having a boy and a girl.  So many prayers have been answered for us and we are beyond blessed.  
 

 

I really wanted to book professional maternity pictures, but with all the expenses from fertility measures, my husband has been against spending the money.  He bought me a really nice Canon Rebel camera and said I could ask a friend to take some pictures of us with it.  I have a couple friends that would do a good job, but it just isn't the same as doing professional pics.  I really want to capture this experience with great digital photos.  Our wedding pictures from back in 2000 are more portrait style and I would like to get more lifestyle pics of Curt and I.   



Thank you Kristen for trusting me with these absolutely gorgeous and precious moments! Blessings to you on your labor and delivery! 

So this past month has been a trying one for me, if you can't tell from my previous blog posts.  You can read from those posts that I was told that I am not a Christian....well a fake Christian.  Again, this was done through email...but not even directly to me.  I have been banned from photography pages although I've never commented on them, I have been emailed about behind my back and have been seriously talked about behind my back.  And the only thing I can keep on thinking is this... "this is NOT how the body of Christ acts.  This is NOT how sisters in Christ act."

In some of these discussions it's brought up that I am a fake Christian...that I do not live what I proclaim.  I literally trace throughout my days to find out where that statement is accurate.  I am shocked, hurt...almost paralyzed.  

This past week I focused on Holy Week with my kids.  Focusing on Holy Week in my opinion is not something a fake Christian does.  It is a week where you focus on your sins.  You focus on your unworthiness to be a part of the Kingdom...focus on your foolishness as you look at the dying Christ on the cross.  And at the end of the week you rejoice that there is nothing your hands can do to save your guilty soul.  That because of His great love for us...we can earnestly seek Him, find Him and love Him.  And here is what I am grateful for.  That those friends who spend their time weekly with me...know me and lift me up in truth.  Those friends who want to defend me? They calm themselves and pour scripture into my life.  The deliver flowers and they pray for me.  They are honest with me and ask me to consider certain "view points".  That is how the body of Christ works.  I think of these friends and I know this judging, this gossip, this slander would never happen with them because they do truly fear the Lord and they want to do what is right in the eyes of Him.  

Matthew 18:15-17

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.  If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.  But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.  And if he refuses to listen to even the church, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector."

That is how the body of Christ works.  We are not here to tear each other down.  To watch other's worlds crashing in around them.  We are here to hold each other accountable.  Help each other grow in their walk.  Love and forgive each other.  Encourage each other to grow deeper in love with Jesus.  This month was so hard for me because the most important thing in my life, the reason I live and give thanks was being attacked.  And although these women might think my world is crashing in around me....it's not.  IT IS NOT!  In fact...this month.  I grew deeper in Christ and have opened my hands and said "yes" Lord.  Meaning, if more people want to lash out against me...so be it.  I will turn to you.  If people want to pull me down...I will turn to you.  

John 16:33

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world."

Right there...in Christ you MAY have peace and in the world you WILL have tribulation.  No matter what there will be trials to face but you can CHOOSE to go through them without Christ and not have peace or you can choose to go through them with Christ and have peace.  IF this situation is being brought to Christ on all sides...there would be peace?.?

This month has brought me straight down to my face.  Humbling me and making me really look at my life.  Do I mess up? ABSOLUTELY! Do I sin? DAILY! Do I handle everything perfectly every time? NOT AT ALL.  But there is a man who died for ME.  There is a man who wants ME.  And ultimately there is nothing else that matters.  YEs, not even my husband and kids.  My focus needs to be resting in my identity in Christ.  If the world hates me...all I need to remember is that God does not.  

That right there helps me get up.  Because of that I can get up and do the work of Christ in my life.  I can get up and teach my boys about Holy Week and build their Character from the greatest man in history...Jesus.  Because of that I can go visit with friends and pray with them, fellowship with them and encourage them.  Because of this I can plan a visit with a woman whose world does seem to be crashing in around her...11 days in a hospital bed...yes her hope does not waver.  I can continue to make meals for those I know need it.  I can continue to love my husband according to the Bible and I continue to grow in that crazy hard commandment of loving your neighbor as yourself.

"His mercies are new every morning!"

 

 

This week hasn't been what is was supposed to be.  It was supposed to be calm.  It was supposed to be planned.  Time each day planned with the boys to teach them a part of the Easter story and really act it out in love towards each other and others.  But that didn't happen.  There were other plans that came crashing down.  But honestly...I wouldn't have it any other way.  Not.At.All...actually. 

 

 

I sit here and reflect on the Last Supper.  This holiday we, as Christians call Maundy Thursday.

 

Jesus said, “Now is the Son of Man glorified and God is glorified in him. If God is glorified in him, God will glorify the Son in himself, and will glorify him at once. My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

 

 

Jesus came to suffer.  His ministry was suffering.  He knew this and still responded by breaking the bread and giving thanks.  He knew what he was going to have to go through and instead of running away he sat with his disciples calmly and gave them a new commandment the second greatest commandment yet the hardest one... "Love one another". 

 

Fast forward a little.  After Jesus has been tortured, spat on, obscenely displayed, reviled, mocked, beaten nearly to death, naked, plagued with insects, covered in dirt and sweat and blood and excrement...he sees his disciple John and his mother Mary.  He says, "Woman, behold they son!" and to the disciple he says, "Behold thy mother!".  I recently read an opinion on this and I loved it and it made sense to me.  It talked about how most scholars think this is saying that Jesus cared deeply for his mother, Jesus was worried about his mothers future and he had love for her and therefore asking John to take care of his mother.  Even though these observations are true the author of this book I'm reading goes on to describe that this saying is a picture.  It goes into detail about the different ways JEsus addresses his mother.  Like at the wedding he calls her "woman" and although in their time it was correct for a man to address a woman like that it was not the way a son addressed his mother.  When he was asked where his mother and brothers were Jesus responds, "who is my mother and who are my brothers?" then goes on to say the crowd was his mother and brothers.  Here on the cross Jesus again addresses his mother as "woman".

 

The picture here? The new community that comes into being through the power of Jesus Christ.  There are many reason people are against the institutional church...it's full of hypocrites, it's boring, it's full of rules and on and on it goes.  But when the Christian community is working the way it is supposed to, people are brought together who have absolutely nothing in common, who may have diametrically different views on things, who may even actively dislike each other.  Personal likes and dislikes have nothing to do with the body of Christ.

 

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus"

Galations 3:28

 

When Jesus instructs his disciple to behold his mother he is creating a new relationship that did not exist before.  This relationship represents the way that family ties are transcended in the church by the ties of the Spirit.  Love one another despite their differences.  Love one another despite their background.  Love one another despite their history.  Love one another.  Jesus doesn't pick and choose who he loves.  Jesus loves your enemy just as much as he loves you...can we not do the same?

 

 

 

We set the table and bake the bread to remember Christ.  We clear our minds and think of only Christ today and the fact that although his road ahead of him was suffering like no one has ever seen before...he choose to break the bread and GIVE THANKS!

 

 

For heaven’s sake, do this:

Take your broken heart, your shattered heart, and give thanks for the heart of God who bleeds with yours and this is how your broken, dis-membered heart is re-membered – when you remember to count the ways He loves. Count, like you’re taking your own pulse, like you’re determined to keep breathing.

Remember the one thousand ways the Scarred God loves you, give thanks for Him in the midst of an almost hell, and your dis-membered heart re-members.

Thursday of Holy week, the bloodied and limping, the bruised and the sinners, the self-hating and soul-maiming, the howling and soundless–

– all us broken, we will remember to give thanks for His breaking and pouring out and this giving thanks is what re-members us.

~Ann Voskamp~

and because of His great sacrifice we get to experience God...

 



We get that experience of God when He stretches open His arms on that Cross and cries,

“For you. For all your regrets and for all your impossibles, for all that will never be and for all that once was, for all that you can’t make right and for all that you got wrong, for your Judas failures and your Peter denials and your Lazarus griefs, I offer to take the nails, the sharp edge of everything, and offer you myself because I want you, to take you, you in your wild grief, you in your anger and your disappointment and your wounds and your not-yet-there, you, just as you are, not some improved version of you, but you – I came for you, to hold you, to carry you, to save you.”

 

~Ann Voskamp~

 



 

 

We're in the middle of Holy Week and I feel paralyzed.  I feel like I cannot move.  The only thing moving are the tears streaming from a broken heart and what seems to be near hell around me.  As much as some people almost seem to be happy that it may seem like my "world is crashing in around" me...it's not.  Don't rejoice too fast. 

 

 

I worship a God of hope.  I worship a God who speaks truth.  I worship a God of love and of forgiveness.  I worship a God of kindness and patience.  People who do not know me ... or my heart...or my character can tear me down all they want.  Because I only care about those people who do know me...who know my heart and my character and God uses them to speak truth into my life.

 

 

It doesn't make it easy but there are many things that make it possible to get up in the morning of feeling like every limb is dead...there's the Godly man who leads me daily lying next to me who needs coffee.  There's the active and living Word of God that needs to be opened and soaked in like it is my life line.  The only thing keeping me breathing.  Then there are four incredible miniature men running wild at the break of dawn who need a mom filled with joy.  Especially today....

 

 

 

 

This little man turns 8 today! EIGHT! I cannot believe I have an eight year old.  It's incredible and sometimes I am amazed that I keep four crazy boys alive daily.  William came very quick in our marriage but we wouldn't change it for anything.  We were so young and so unprepared but our lives changed the minute the lines on that test showed up positive.  We had been married four months? We were living in my grandparents basement as we were building our home.  Talk about a crazy first year of marriage.  We were pregnant, working full time and building a house.  We moved in two weeks before we brought William home from the hospital.  Our new life began. 

 

William Scott Berenbrock...

 

photo credit Amy Oonk with Everyday Joy Photography

 

William comes from my dads name - Mark William.  Although there are a lot of William's on the Berenbrock side we did name him after my dad.

Scott comes from Brian's brother who was killed when we were Juniors in High School - Scott Berenbrock

 

I remember when we had him and we stood in the hospital my dad was holding William and he said, "how can anyone hold a baby and not believe there is a God".  Those were exactly my thoughts as we brought him home from a hospital.  I was just part of one of the coolest miracles I believe in our time.

 

William has been a WONDERFUL kid growing up.  I cannot even begin to describe his heart.  It is so tender and he wants nothing more than to please those he loves.  He loves serving...he loves learning...he loves to love.  He holds his friends dear to his heart and is heart broken when they don't feel the same way.  He is just now growing into his own individual...he wants his hair long, he has his own "style" (that makes me say, "really haven't I already raised you better?"), He loves to hunt and learn about different animals.  He is curious about the world and different countries and He loves discovering that he is growing up.  He reads his bible and loves to share those stories with us.  He loves family time and he loves to smile.

 

 

He loves to goof off and he loves coffee.  Yes he loves coffee...

 

 

He loves to sing.  At a very young age he learned the lyrics to Behold Our God and would sing them daily.  He sings hymns with me and worship songs.  He has a crazy good memory.  He can watch a movie twice and quote it for the rest of his life (he gets that from his dad).

 

He loves to still be my baby and I'll take that for as long as I live. 

I'll love you forever ... I'll like you for always ... as long as I'm living ... my baby you'll be.

 

I will cherish these forever!

 

 

 

Happy Birthday William.  I pray that you know the love of God...how long, high, deep and wide it is.  I pray that you know how to turn to Him when life gets tough and it will.  I pray that you learn to love like Christ and strive to live your life whether you become great in life or not, but that you live it to model after Christ.  I pray that you know how to get back up when you fall down.  I pray that you learn forgiveness and how to be humble and say you are sorry. I pray that you learn the art of thanksgiving and to be thankful in the hard and the easy.

I pray that you go slow in life and cherish the Glory of God which is spread throughout the whole earth. I pray that you learn to be bold and courageous and to be strong in your faith. 

 

I love you my firstborn!



 

 

 

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do"

 

The candles are lit and my warm coffee sit cupped in my hand as the steam swirls about in confusion.  I couldn't pick a better word for me right then....confusion.  This week is Holy Week and although most concentrate on the different stories of Jesus (and we still will do so as a family), I personally, am concentrating strictly on the cross and the last words of God in the flesh.

 

"Two others also, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with him.  And when they came to the place which is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on the right and one on the left.  And Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.'"

Luke 23:32-34

 

I sat with my coffee in hand, talking to my husband about what Americans think the cross really is.  We talked about those who don't even believe in God but will tattoo a cross the size of their entire back on them. We talked about how we have romanticized it but possibly forgotten the horridness of it as well. 

"In Jesus' time, crucifixion was not against the law, it was carried out by the law.  It was an exceptionally gruesome method of torturing a person to death, carried out by the government not in secret dungeons but in public.  Not even the celebrated film by Mel Gibson, The Passion of the Christ, can convey the full ghastliness of crucifixion to a modern audience.  We don't understand it because we have never seen anything lit it in the flesh." 

 

In the New Testament times, everyone had seen crucifixion.  They would see them along side the roads of the Roman Empire.  "Everyone knew what it looked like, smelled like, sounded like - the horrific sight of completely naked men in agony, the smell and sight of their bodily functions taking place in full view of all, the sounds of their groans and labored breathing going on for hours and, in some cases, for days.  Perhaps worst of all s the fact that no one cared."  Corporations now make the cross into anything and everything they can because people will buy them.  Maybe they think it makes them religious...maybe it is romantic to them or maybe they think it's a fantasy story and everyone goes to an afterlife that is glorious.  Me? I am a little terrified to wear a cross because I feel so incredibly unworthy to look at it...yet alone wear it.  The cross is both beautiful and repulsive.

 

"There was nothing religious, nothing uplifting or inspiring about a crucifixion.  On the contrary, it was deliberately intended to be obscene, in the original sense of that word; the Oxford English Dictionary suggests, 'disgusting, repulsive, filthy, foul, abominable, loathsome.'  It is therefore of the utmost importance to note that in an era when crucifixion was still going on and was widely practiced throughout the Roman Empire, Christians were proclaiming a degraded, condemned, crucified person as the Son of God and Savior of the world.  By any ordinary standard, and especially by religious standards, this was simply unthinkable......We are accustomed to thinking of the Cross merely as a 'religious symbol', like the Star of David or the yin-yang.  Yet at the most fundamental level - this can't be emphasized strongly enough - the Cross is in no way 'religious'."

 

My mind still can't grasp this.  I talk it over with my husband and I remain speechless.  I don't think of the cross like this enough...or at all.  My simple mind goes to the picture of Jesus hanging on the cross and that is for me...which isn't bad BUT THERE IS MORE.

 

Crucifixion was designed to display and humiliate.  The crosses were placed by the roadside as a form of public announcement: these miserable beings that you see before you are not of the same species as the rest of us.  THE GOD OF UNIVERSE WAS DECLARED BY US THAT HE IS NOT WORTHY TO LIVE.  My first thought right here is PRAISE GOD he is not the same species as us....PRAISE GOD death did not overcome Him.  The purpose of pinning the victims up like insects was to invited the gratuitous abuse of the passerby.  Those crowds understood that their role was to increase, by jeering and mocking, the degradation of those who had been thus designed unfit to live. 

 

Meditate on this hymn....

 

Upon the cross of Jesus mine eyes at times can see

The very dying form of one who suffered there for me;

And from my smitten heart with tears who wonders I confess:

Take wonders of redeeming love and my unworthiness.

 

I take, O cross, they shadow for my abiding place;

I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of his face;

Content to let my pride go by, to know no gain nor loss,

My sinful self my only shame, my glory all the cross.

 

Shame....the center of crucifixion.  And Jesus of all people did not deserve to be shamed.  Whose shame is it, then? IT is our shame that we see Jesus taking upon himself.  In the mocking of Jesus, in his death by torture, we see all of the absolute worst that people can do.  And here is what we need to remember.  In this first word from the Cross, Jesus does not pray for the good and the innocent.  He prays for people doing terrible things.  We cannot grasp this.  His prayer for the worst of the worst comes from a place beyond human understanding. 

 

 

 

 



 

I am FOUND

REDEEMED

REMADE TRANSFORMED

and TREASURED

 

 

 

I am not perfect and I don't claim to be.  I try my hardest to live a life pleasing to Christ and I know many other friends and people who do the same and we all.look.different!

 

This past month some big things (big to me) have happened in my life that have caused anger, fear, worry, anxiety...feeling unloved.

 

These events have caused me to go through my facebook feed and limit the access to our personal account.  Facebook has left me speechless this past month.  There are literally few things I love about it.  My fitness groups, my Bible Study group and my photography page.  That's it.  There is such a negative effect, I feel, on our society due to social media.  I feel like through it we have become a society that is constantly on the defense.  Constantly looking for a debate and argument and because of social media...our society has become even more self centered than it was...myself included.  I often hear our pastor talk about us being obsessed with being "liked"...even on facebook.  It's true!  I once had someone email me this, "why don't you like any of my pictures or comment on them?"

And we're constantly on the defense.  I can't post about my personal life without someone getting offended...yes...that is true as well.  Where did we get in our minds that it's our "right" to see other people's status's and comment whatever you like on them without taking the other person's feelings into account.  In my opinion...we should feel "honored" to be able to see what other people are sharing...they have made themselves vulnerable and we are quick to jump on facebook and tear them down.  I am friends with someone and our views differ greatly but she is trying to live her life for Jesus.  Her living for Jesus looks differently than mine.  When the World Vision drama happened she simply stood up for the children that were dropped and may have expressed some views that again, differ from mine, but never would I consider going to her page like others did and tell her that she is not a Christian.

 

Ann Voskamp writes this, "Feel thanks and it's absolutely impossible to feel angry.  We can only experience one emotion at a time.  And we get to choose - which emotion do we want to feel?"

I decided to go through my friend list and still am because those emotions listed above...anger, fear, worry, anxiety... those are not fruits of the spirit.  PEACE, patience, KINDNESS, goodness,  SELF-CONTROL...those are what I strive to have in my life and if there are people on social media that might cause me in the slightest way to have otherwise then I need to begin with them.  If I want to use something like the social media to keep my family and loved ones updated on my personal life then that is my decision.  It is also my decision to decide who sees what goes on in my personal life.  Does this mean I hate you? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  Does this mean I don't want to be friends...NOT AT ALL.  This simply means...that you.don't.know.me. This means that just because we are facebook friends and have reconnected since our 12 years out of high school does not mean I know you or you know me.  I felt this place is not a safe place to pour out my personal life.  I felt stress, worry and anxiety.  The biggest difference I've noticed since facebook? The loss of Joy.   And I have found nothing more powerful to steal my joy than stress, worry and anxiety.  And not only is it a joy-stealer but the way I respond to it could be sin.  So why not....why not rid myself of it.  It was a very difficult thing for me to do...going through my friend list and saying a "facebook goodbye" to them, but it also allowed me to trust God in this sense.  Trust God that I am trying to live righteously and that I am trusting Him to help me return to joy.  Sometimes, too often I don't want to muster the energy.  Stress and anxiety seem easier.  Easier to let the mind run wild with the worry. 

 

I couldn't agree more with this list I found about how social media has had a negative effect on our society.

 

A false sense of connection:  social media sites make it more difficult for us to distinguish between the meaningful relationships we foster in the real world and the numerous casual relationships formed through social media. By focusing so much of our time and energy on these less meaningful relationships...I fear we will lose our most important connections.

 

Cyber Bullying: I've expressed this before and there are two ends I believe.  One where there is actual bullying going on and two where it might not seem like bullying but in fact is.  It's easier to say horrible, hurtful things to a screen and forget there is an actual person receiving it...an actual heart.  Cyber bullying has resulted in suicide.  And in less dramatic cases it results in the emotions above, anxiety, fear, worry, stress, frustration and anger.

 

Less productivity:  Pretty sure I don't need to expound on this one :)

 

Point is...it hit me hard over the head last week when I "un-friended" one person (horrible thing to do in today's society!!!) that I DO NOT HAVE TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK! If you want to be friends...then please foster a real relationship with me...in real-life.  Because everything on facebook...well it's almost not real.

 

 



Early yesterday morning I rose with my husband.  I hugged him goodbye, handed him his breakfast and lunch, along with a tasty cake.  He kissed me and thanked me for being a good mom.  It got the kids settled with breakfast and of course poured myself coffee.  Packed the kids up to go see my mom, fresh out of surgery, and spend some time with her.  My mistake? Sitting down at my computer.  Eager to catch up with friends and bid some friends a good day with an encouraging article.  Before 9am hit I sat, tears streaming and hurting.  This is me...being vulnerable...not childish or dramatic.  This is me opening my heart and pouring it out because otherwise it gets hard and I throw up a guard that is extremely hard to break down.  This is me being vulnerable because I know I am not the only one that struggles with this.  

I have worked hard to build up my reputation.  Not one of monetary worth or worldly worth but one that is trustworthy, honest, loving and kind.  I take seriously the encouragement to let others see Christ in  me.  So when someone accuses me of not being that...it is hurtful.  Not only that but when they refuse to resolve...refuse to accept an apology or maybe even turn others against you as well...very hurtful.  I have that horrible disorder and maybe other women have it to, but when someone falsely accuses you of it and stands their ground to where it hurts your feelings....all the other ones come out and you feel trampled on, turned against, worthless, low, dirt.  As much as I wanted to lash out through email I decided to "take up my cross".  Not in an arrogant, "I'm so holy and know how to take up my cross" kind of way...believe me I fail MANY times by forgetting to take up my cross.  But what I am saying is it would have been easy to lash out and name call....but these are human beings I am dealing with and for some reason I think others forget that when staring at a screen.  

When you sit down to type an email...it's not to the computer.  It's not to a name it's to a person with a heart, feelings, the chance of that heart getting broken. A real person. I am a real person whose heart was breaking.  A real person with real tears streaming down my face.  A real person sick to my stomach because of the accusations made.  

I cried to my mom...remembered scripture and a verse in a song that is always encouraging and tells me that "when Satan weaves his shallow lies, God speaks to me in love."  I went on a run and basked in God's glorious creation...letting the warm sun from the radiant sunset fall on my face.  

I have this in my house.  Remembering the miracles of Christ and the miraculous gift he gave us.  This...the real Christmas gift...Christ taking up His cross while falsely accused, heart broken, trampled on, turned against, low and like dirt.  As much as my heart was breaking yesterday I came to think about the fact that I can't even IMAGINE how God's was breaking.  Watching those He created turn against His Son and falsely accuse him, spit on him, beat him...hate him.  

All the while, never taking his focus off of the Father.  Never taking his focus off of the purpose.  One of my many verses in the Bible is Romans 5:3-6 which says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."  So if this circumstance will make me more like Christ, than I'll take it.  It's just not easy.  I allow lies into my life and through these I allow my character and identity to be shaken...

Then God gives me truth...in love.  

As my natural state and my flesh scream out...you are a loser, hypocrite, dirt, rude, arrogant, nasty, dramatic, immature and childish person...God whispers ... 

"At great cost, all by his own doing, Jesus makes me his own, loves me without condition, forgives me without remainder, places his name on me, puts his own Spirit in me, and goes ahead to prepare a place for me.  He's made me a chosen people, a holy nation, a royal priesthood, one who belongs to God."

I am not those things my flesh say I am...I am a daughter of the ONE true King.  I am a sinner and he is blameless. If you could count everything that I've done wrong...who could stand BUT there is forgiveness with you God.  I will make mistakes.  I am not blameless.  But I am not what you call me...

"Daughter of the Most high

Look within and see

Your beauty isn't skin-deep

It comes when you're redeemed.

The Lord has made you worthy,

a new creation, once unclean

So, let go of your insecurities 

and embrace the love you need.

You were created in His image,

molded to a tee

And when ashamed of your reflection

you spit in the face of HE

Of He who made you perfect

Exactly as He intended you to be

Beloved you have a purpose

You're a daughter of the King!

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken."

Psalm 55:22